I suffer with anxiety.
I live in fear of things that might happen, things that have happened, things that could have happened… and people. People are well and truly the worst.
Firstly I guess I should try and determine when my anxiety started, my train of thought was a little tricky to follow and I still haven’t reached a definite end point:
Maybe it was after I lost my job in 2012?
But I started feeling worried going to work the final few years….
Maybe it was when I was at college, away from home?
But I was really anxious at college, (the first college where I failed everything)…
Perhaps it was in secondary school, everyone gets a bit scared at big school?
But there was that one time at primary…
Every situation I thought about, there was always something previous that could be linked to anxiety. I guess that is something I can work on discovering along this fear filled journey.
Social anxiety is that part that I struggle with the most. People banging on the door (when I don’t expect them), people in the streets who talk to me (when i’m not prepared for them), chuggers (spawns of the devil) and any other situations that call for me having to speak to other members of the human race. I can kind of deal with it when It is planned and I can control the situation (or use my boyfriend as a human shield) but the panic comes when it happens spontaneously, or there is a chance of unplanned human interaction… Which is every time I leave the house. Social anxiety is going to be a big topic!
I have decided to create a bit of a series of blogs (I say bit, no clue how long it will be!) where I will talk about the different situations that end up bothering me, such as:
- People (this will probably be split into many many many blog posts, people are awful (I think I already mentioned that))
- Work, or lack of (my inability to gain employment, probably due to people)
- Food (there is a lot of that in me)
- Water (there is not a lot of that in me)
- Medical practitioners (more scary people)
- The Internet (it’s a world of fear at my constant fingertips)
And many, many more.
I have always kept my anxiety pretty close to my chest. Apart from my ever suffering boyfriend, I tend to not really talk about it to others. I’m fine with most people knowing but I tend to just not make a big deal out of it.
This blog post and soon to be series of blog posts, were inspired by a book. I actually followed the author Aaron Gillies on twitter a long time ago because I found him funny. Little then,did I know that he had created a masterpiece that taught me in one book, more about anxiety (and myself) than I have ever known before. How to survive the end of the world (when it’s in your own head) is a truly stunning book. I learnt that there are so many other branches to the anxiety tree than I ever thought. So many branches that affect me.
I really don’t think my mental health can be cured but I do hope the more I write, the more I will understand about it and maybe, just maybe, my jibber-jabbing will help someone out there in Internetland (what a terrifying theme park that would be.)
If all else fails, here is a smiling hedgehog.